KotOR: Marisu Saves The Day!
by Helena L
Summary: The extraordinary, fantabulous, incredible, astonishing and only mildly nauseating adventures of Marisu Arianna Raven Skywalker, otherwise known as Revan. Plus loads and loads of luscious Carthness! R&R please!
1. Chapter 1: The Bad Beginning

A/N: Apologies for the relative scarcity of luscious Carthness in this chapter. Be assured that this will be remedied later on!

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Chapter 1: The Bad Beginning**

One fine morning (or maybe it was night; it's hard to tell in space), Marisu Arianna Raven Skywalker was rudely awakwened from her beauty sleep by some very loud banging and crashing noises. "What's happening?" she wondered out loud, and briefly considered remembering right away that she was Revan. Then she realised that this would give her less opportunity for gratuitous angst later on, and instantly dismissed the idea.

Suddenly the cabin door burst open and a man rushed in. His name was Trask, but he wasn't remotely hawt and was therefore unimportant. "The _Endar Spire_ is under attack!" he began, but stopped short the moment he laid eyes on Marisu.

Marisu Arianna Raven Skywalker was stunningly gorgeous. Her waist-length hair was a deep raven black (to match her name); her pale skin porcelain-smooth and flawless; her eyes a dazzling emerald green. Despite being only four foot six inches tall, she was the best soldier/scout/smuggler in the Republic fleet (she couldn't decide on a class, so she chose all three). She already had all the tenth-level feats and skills, along with Force Resistance and Magic Missile.

Trask continued to gawp at Marisu for several seconds before finally managing to pull himself together. "Um... what was I talking about?"

"You said the _Endar Spire_ was under attack," Marisu reminded him, tapping her foot impatiently. Why couldn't she skip this bit and get to Carth already?

"Uh, yeah... that's right." Trask gulped nervously and tried to smooth down his hair. "Look, we've got to get to the bridge and –"

"Protect Bastila," she interrupted him, waving a hand dismissively. "I know all that stuff already. Alright, let's get out of here and start kicking some Sith butt!"

With these words she grabbed a blaster pistol, kicked open the electronically sealed doors and ran out into the corridor, leaving a stunned Trask leaning against the cabin wall and panting heavily. (A/N: Phew! Glad that's over with. Now we can forget about Trask and concentrate on the incredible deeds of Marisu.)

Out in the corridor, Marisu watched in horror as a couple of Republic soldiers were brutally slaughtered by a gang of evil Sith. "_Nooooo!_" she screamed. "Die, you evil puppy-kicking scumbags!" And as the Sith looked round in horror, she fired a shot that somehow managed to hit every single one of them simultaneously. (A/N: She's a really good shot, OK?)

Meanwhile, on the bridge of the _Endar Spire_, hunky studmuffin Carth Onasi was pacing up and down and looking increasingly harassed (but in a really gorgeous and sexy way). He was doing this because he was fed up of having to protect Bastila, who will be referred to hereafter as 'Bitchila' because the author hates her so much. As the name implies, she was a horrible bitch with a snotty English accent and no redeeming features whatsoever. She wasn't even all that pretty, at least not compared to Marisu.

"Bitchila," he said at last, "stop your Battle Meditation and listen to me!"

"What is it, Carth?" enquired Bitchila arrogantly. (Everything Bitchila said was automatically arrogant.)

"You have to get to the escape pods. The Sith have managed to board the ship!"

"_Eeeek!_" squealed Bitchila, and charged off in the direction of the escape pods. For Bitchila, in addition to being horrible, whiny, annoying, stupid, selfish, immature, snobbish, ugly, and having bad breath, was also a complete and utter coward. (The woman who coolly faced down two Dark Lords, took on a gang of Vulkars in hand-to-hand combat and sacrificed herself to save her friends was merely an imposter.)

Rolling his eyes in disgust, Carth hurried off after her. He would have much preferred to leave her for the Sith, but he knew that despite being utterly useless and incompetent, Bitchila was vital to the Republic's survival. And naturally, being the loyal, dedicated, long-suffering and absurdly handsome hero of the Republic that he was, he couldn't possibly allow her Battle Meditation to fall into the hands of the enemy.

While Carth was being forced to babysit Bitchila, who was too feeble and pathetic even to get into an escape pod without help, Marisu had come across a male Dark Jedi fighting a female Light Jedi. The female Jedi was supposed to die at this point, but naturally Marisu couldn't allow that to happen. "_Noooooo!_" she shrieked, and launched into a flying high-kick that sent the Dark Jedi hurtling into a conveniently-placed power conduit. It exploded, killing him instantly.

The female Jedi leapt to her feet and dusted off her robes. "Thank you, Marisu!" she trilled, and ran off to carve up some more Sith. Marisu went on her way, congratulating herself on another success in her mission to spread sweetness, light and joy.

She briefly paused to touch up her lip-gloss before continuing on to the bridge, where a group of Sith instantly pulled out their swords and committed ritual hara-kiri rather than waste time trying to fight her. Looking around, she saw that the bridge was empty and guessed that Bitchila, snivelling little cry-baby that she was, had already fled to the escape pods. Shrugging, she adjusted her form-fitting Mandalorian Battle Armour and went on her way.

Suddenly she heard running footsteps behind her and looked round to see that Trask had finally caught up with her. _What a bore_, she thought, and wondered how to get rid of him – but at that very moment the door ahead opened and a Dark Jedi strode through, cackling evilly. "I'll get him!" she cried, and prepared to hit the Sith with a blast of Force energy (momentarily forgetting that she wasn't supposed to have any Force powers yet). But she was too late; Trask had already leapt in front of her and charged at the Dark Jedi, sword raised.

"I'll hold him off!" he shouted. "You get to the escape pods!"

"Trask, no!" But it was too late. Marisu could only watch in horror as the door in front of her came crashing down in a shower of sparks, sealing the Sith and the doomed Trask inside.

"_Nooooooooo!_" she wailed, falling to her knees and beating on the door with her fists. "Trask!" But there was nothing she could do; and so, sobbing quietly, she paused to conduct an impromptu funeral service for her dear comrade of so many long minutes. That done, she sniffled a little, wiped her eyes bravely and promptly forgot about him altogether.

And so, minus Trask, Marisu went on her merry way through the starboard section. At one point she found her way blocked by a group of Sith in the next room, and had to use her uber-l337 hacking skillz to slice one of the ship's computers and blow them up. Picking her way delicately through the blood-spattered room, she finally reached the door leading to the escape pods, opened it – and found herself looking up at the most incredibly handsome man she had ever seen.

The man was Carth Onasi. (A/N: _Squeeee!_) He was about six foot four, with huge rippling muscles that bulged through his rather fetching orange jacket. His eyes were a deep chocolate-brown with hints of amber and chestnut; his hair as auburn as... uhm. Anyway, you get the point: utter gorgeousness!

"Oooh," gasped Marisu, feeling herself go weak at the knees. "You're so big and strong..."

Carth pushed back his fringe with a manly swagger and held out his hand. "Hi there," he began, in his deep voice. "I'm Carth Onasi. Bitchila's escape pod has already – "

But Marisu didn't hear him, for she had fainted dead away the moment he began to speak.

"Jesus Christ!" muttered Carth, and then wondered who Jesus Christ was. No matter; he stepped forward and, bending over Marisu, lifted her petite but perfect four-foot-six body into his strong, muscular arms as easily as if she were a fairy. He hesitated for a moment to gape at her astounding beauty, then carried her over to the last remaining escape pod and carefully laid her inside.

Inside the pod, Carth heard the eject mechanism activate and heaved a sigh of relief. Soon they would be on Taris, where they could soon catch up with Bitchila – if she hadn't managed to get herself killed yet – and find a way to contact the Republic. Nothing could possibly go wrong...

OR COULD IT?


	2. Chapter 2: The Sickening Second Chapter

A/N: Heh. Yes, I was wondering how long it would take people to a) work out that this was a parody and b) realise who I actually was. (Not very long, it would appear...)

Anyway, I began this fic after suffering an attack of severe writer's block while working on my other story, 'Coming Together'. But don't worry, it will get updated... eventually. In the meantime, prepare yourselves for a whole host of your favourite badfic clichés, such as Ridiculously Young Revan and Canderous the Fluffy Wuffy Bunny Wabbit...

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Chapter 2: The Sickening Second Chapter**

SCENE: THE APARTMENT

Carth Onasi paced the floor of the small Taris apartment, looking heartbreakingly angst-ridden and tortured (yet at the same time incredibly rugged, masculine and desirable). Occasionally he would cast a despairing glance over at the bed in the corner, on which Marisu's tiny, frail, delicate, pixie-like body lay in peaceful slumber. She had been unconscious ever since the crash, afflicted with mild concussion and a severely broken toenail.

Carth couldn't keep his eyes off her. Her hair (raven-black) was tumbled about her face in the most adorably impractical way; her ivory skin (flawless; porcelain-smooth) was not marred by any sign of a wound. (Her dazzling emerald-green eyes were closed, but you can't have everything.) Her form was slender, almost childlike, and yet her magnificent orbs of womanhood (or 'breasts', for those of you who don't read romance novels) poked through her armour in a most alluring manner, getting our handsome soldier all hot and bothered.

Could this small, fragile woman be the same Marisu Arianna Raven Skywalker who had ripped apart an entire platoon of Sith with her bare hands? Carth sighed wistfully. Even though he had known her only a few days (of which she had been unconscious for all but the first thirty seconds), he had already fallen madly in love with her. She had even made him forget all about his first wife (an evil, cheating slut who didn't deserve him in any case).

Suddenly, to his horror, he saw that her curvaceous bosom was no longer rising and falling gently as it had before. She had stopped breathing! "NOOOOOOOO!" he howled in despair, raising clenched fists skyward. "Why, Force, why? Why are you doing this to me?" He rushed over to her and began to administer mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Meanwhile, Marisu was having strange dreams, in which a woman looking very much like Bitchila fought a lightsaber duel with a Dark Jedi. (Though it couldn't possibly be the real Bitchila, as this woman looked calm, courageous and self-controlled.) It was just getting to a really exciting part when she felt herself waking up, and realised that Carth's lips were pressed against hers. (A/N: Mmm...) "Oh, Carth," she murmured, a little indistinctly.

Carth heard her voice and leapt up in delight. "You're alive!"

"Of course I'm alive," retorted Marisu, forgetting all about her concussion and jumping off the bed. "Where are we?"

"Hold on a minute," Carth protested, concerned for Marisu's health (A/N: Awww!) "Don't try to get up yet. You were smashed up pretty bad when we crash-landed on Taris."

Marisu realised that she was missing a prime opportunity to have her hero sigh devotedly over her as he tended her wounds, and immediately collapsed into Carth's arms once more. He longed to kiss her passionately on her luscious, red, pouty lips – but naturally, being a perfect gentleman, he resisted the urge and merely carried her over to the bed. "Don't worry," he reassured her, as he tenderly wiped her fevered brow and made her a piña colada. "I'll take care of you, little one."

"Oh, Carth, you're so – hang on, what do you mean 'little one?'" She shoved him away from her and leapt to her feet, hands on her hips. "I'm 21 years old, you male chauvinist pig – I don't need you to take care of me! And I'm as good a soldier as you any day! Don't you know that I single-handedly wiped out an entire Mandalorian fleet at Malachor V?"

_Wow_, Carth thought, humbled by this irrefutable proof that Marisu was a strong, independent woman. (Naturally this made him adore her even more.) He was a little confused by her claiming to be 21, given that this would make her roughly 13 years old when the Mandalore Wars started, but he supposed that she must simply have been incredibly talented.

"OK, I get the idea," he apologised. "Anyway, if you're feeling better, we should start looking for Bitchila."

Marisu hesitated for a moment, torn between sweet, saintly Ultra-Light-Side Marisu and bitchy, badass Marisu-with-an-attitude. She chose the latter. "If Bitchila's a Jedi, why can't she take care of herself?"

"Because she's completely useless, that's why." They both rolled their eyes in disgust as they thought of the useless Bitchila. "Anyway, Malak will stop at nothing to get hold of her Battle Meditation. It's hard to imagine how someone who used to be a Jedi could become such a monster!"

"Malak used to be a Jedi?" asked Marisu with interest.

Carth nodded. "Malak and Revan were both part of the Jedi Order until they fell to the Dark Side. But," he added hastily, "everyone knows that was all Malak's fault. He led them down the dark path and blew up all those planets, while Revan was busy doling out soup to the homeless and raising funds for Amnesty Intergalactic."

"So Revan wasn't that bad really?"

"Oh, no," Carth assured her. "Revan was great. Apart from the whole Dark Lord thing, of course."

CarthCarthCarthCarthCarth

SCENE: THE LOWER CITY

After a load of really dull stuff which involved no flirting whatsoever, Marisu and Carth found themselves in the Lower City of Taris, and Marisu decided that this would be a good time to ask Carth about himself. "I'd like to know you better, Carth," she cooed, fluttering her eyelids suggestively. "May I ask you some questions?"

"I'm all ears, beautiful," he replied, with a roguish grin. (Unfortunately the author is not making this bit up; it really does happen in the game.)

Marisu blushed bright pink, almost swooning at being addressed as 'beautiful' by such an attractive man. "Ooh, you handsome thug, you," she simpered, then suddenly remembered herself. "I mean... how dare you patronise me like that, you sexist worm! Call me that again and you'll lose an ear or two!"

"How about 'gorgeous', then?" he smirked.

And so they went on in a similarly nauseating vein for about a quarter of an hour, until Marisu finally remembered why she had spoken to him in the first place. "So may I ask you those questions now?" she enquired.

"Go ahead," he said, shrugging. "But first, let me ask you something. What exactly happened on board the _Endar Spire_?"

Marisu couldn't imagine what he was talking about. "What do you mean?" she asked, confused.

He shrugged again. "Well, it's a little suspicious that you were the only other person to escape, isn't it?"

Suddenly Marisu realised what he was getting at, and her mouth dropped open with fury. "Carth! Are you accusing me of being in league with the Sith?"

"Maybe," he muttered. Marisu gaped at him for a moment in shock, her bottom lip quivering; then suddenly, to his amazement, her eyes filled with tears and she burst into loud sobs.

"How can you be so cruu-uel?" she wept. "Don't you realise what the Sith did to me?"

Carth was taken aback, and immediately felt horribly guilty for making her cry. "I'm sorry, Marisu," he said awkwardly. "It's just that I'm a little suspicious of people since my mentor betrayed me and ordered my home planet destroyed..."

"And do you think you're the only one who's suffered?" she demanded, her voice trembling with rage. "Of course. _You_ don't care that the Sith brutally murdered my mother and husband and grandfather and five sisters and eight great-aunts while I wasn't there to protect them." A waterfall of tears began to gush from her beautiful, glistening, emerald-green eyes. "_You_ don't care that they cut off my puppy's tail and ripped up my favourite bathrobe and raped my goldfish. It's all about _you_!"

Carth watched in horror as she buried her head in her hands and collapsed into a sobbing heap. How could he have been so heartless as to accuse this fragile, delicate woman of being a Sith? "I'm so sorry, Marisu," he murmured, cradling her in his arms and resolving never to mistrust her again. "I had no idea..."

Marisu looked up into his handsome face and smiled bravely through her tears. "It's all right, Carth," she whispered. "I forgive you."

At that moment a gang of Black Vulkars appeared, brandishing their weapons menacingly. "Get 'em!" yelled their leader, and the others rushed at Marisu and Carth.

In an instant Marisu was back on her feet, whipping out her vibroblade. Within a fraction of a second she had decapitated three Vulkars and begun to work her way through the others, while Carth battled a second group in a corner. Her speed and grace was dazzling to behold as she whirled around, hacking off limbs right, left and centre – but then, disaster struck! One of the Vulkars lashed out with his sword and managed to hit her arm, leaving a cut so deep that it actually broke the skin.

"Aaaaaaaah!" she screamed, and fell to the ground. "Carth! Help meeeeee!"

Carth heard her desperate cry, and looked over to see a horrifying sight – Marisu lying on the ground with two Vulkars standing over her, swords at the ready. (A/N: All together now...) "NOOOOOOO!" he roared, throwing himself at the murderous Vulkars. "Get away from her, you bastards!"

A second later it was over, and all the Vulkars lay dead, their bodies strewn across the street. Carth knelt down anxiously by Marisu, who was lying motionless with her eyes closed. "Marisu, are you OK? Please tell me you're OK!"

Marisu let out a faint groan, clutching a hand to her injured arm. "I'm wounded, Carth," she said faintly. "Please, lift me up and hold me in your strong, manly arms!"

And so Carth lifted her up into his strong, manly arms and carried her back towards the apartment. He knew that he had to get there quickly, before she bled to death or her clothes became indelibly stained. If he could only make it in time!

CarthCarthCarthCarthCarth

SCENE: THE APARTMENT

Back at the apartment, Carth flung Marisu down onto the bed and ripped off her clothes (in order to treat her wounds, obviously.) Then he tore off his own shirt to use as a bandage, leaving his taut, well-toned chest and stomach muscles conveniently exposed. (A/N: Swoon!) At long last he saw that the bleeding had stopped, and he sank down onto the bed with a sigh, mopping his brow with the remains of his shirt.

Marisu's eyes flickered open and came to rest on Carth's face. "Oh, Carth, you –" she began, and then her eyes fell on his bare chest. "Wow."

Carth was struggling to control himself; the sight of her utterly gorgeous, perfect, and now half-naked body was almost too much for him. "It's OK, Marisu," he muttered, wishing he'd been able to find an ice-bucket in the apartment's minibar. "You're not that badly hurt."

"You saved my life," she whispered, and lay back on the pillow, closing her eyes. "Oh, Carth, make love to me!"

"Wh-what?" he croaked, hardly able to believe his ears. "Are you sure? We've only known each other a few hou-" His words were cut off as Marisu flung herself into his arms and kissed him ardently on the lips.

And thus began a night of wild, passionate sex (insert appalling lemon here, full of flowery descriptions and hideously purple prose). Several hours later Carth finally collapsed on top of her, panting heavily. "Wow," he gasped. "Marisu, that was amazing!"

"Wasn't it?" she agreed, with a contented sigh. "I've never done that before."

Carth nearly choked. "You – you mean to say that was your _first time_? But you were fantastic!"

She smiled modestly. "Guess I must just be a quick learner."

"I guess," he murmured, and then raised his head in bewilderment. "But didn't you say earlier that you had been mar-"

Before he could finish she had flung her arms around his neck and pulled his mouth down to hers once more, kissing him savagely. "Want to do it again?" she mumbled, as soon as she could tear her lips away from his.

"You bet." _What a woman_, he thought, as he prepared for another marathon love-making session.


	3. Chapter 3: The Terrible Third Chapter

The next day, Carth and Marisu went down to the Lower City cantina, where they ran into a blue-skinned Twi'lek girl with a big Wookiee by her side. "Hi!" she said chirpily. "I'm Mission Vao, and this is my friend Zaalbar. Say hello, Zaalbar!"

"Grrroowarrrrgh!" growled Zaalbar, and promptly vanished from the story, never to be mentioned again.

The others went off to see local swoop gang leader Gadon Thek, who listened carefully as they explained about Bitchila. "Oh dear," he said at last. "I'm sorry to say that your friend has been captured by Brejik, the leader of the Black Vulkars."

Everyone groaned. Trust Bitchila to get herself captured!

"Still," went on Gadon, "he's offering her up as a prize in the annual swoop-racing contest. If you could get back our new prototype engine which was stolen by the Vulkars, maybe one of you could enter the race."

Carth looked worried. "But none of us know how to race swoop bikes!"

"Well..." Marisu blushed daintily. "Now that you mention it, I did do a _bit_ of swoop racing when I was younger."

"A bit?"

"Well, I did win the Pan-Galactic All-Star Junior Swoop Racing Championship a few times. Five, in fact. When I was three. But I wasn't _that_ good," she added hastily, in case anyone thought she was boasting.

Carth shook his head in amazement. "Is there anything you can't do, Marisu?"

"Er..."

While Marisu was vainly attempting to think of something she couldn't do, the party went off to the Undercity to look for the secret entrance to the Vulkar base. Over the next few hours, they battled the rakghouls and got the serum for Zelka and saved the Outcasts and found the Promised Land journals and fought through the sewers and rescued that Wookiee whose name I've forgotten already and killed every Vulkar in the base and liberated the swoop engine (pants heavily), not to mention a whole lot of other boring stuff which I'm sure none of you want to hear about. After all that, Carth and Marisu rushed back to the apartment, where they jumped straight into bed and made sweet, sweet love for six hours straight.

"Oh, Carth," murmured Marisu as she lay with her satin-smooth body pressed against his magnificent six-pack, nibbling delicately at his ear. "I wish we could do this all day."

"So do I," he said regretfully. "But we still have to go and rescue Bitchila." (A/N: That bitch!)

CarthCarthCarthCarthCarth

Down at the swoop racing track, Marisu took a look around. Bitchila was mooching around in a cage, dressed in a slutty cantina-dancer outfit which was _totally_ unflattering, whilst a load of boring aliens milled about the place. Marisu smirked as she glanced down at her own specially-chosen 'Saving the Galaxy from Eeeevil' outfit – an electric-pink tank top and three-quarter-length faded denim jeans, complemented by her diamond navel stud, mithril charm bracelet, and silver high-heeled thongs – secure in the knowledge that she was by far the best-looking person in the Lower City (and probably the entire galactic sector). As if to prove it, all the Boring Aliens turned their heads to goggle at her as she strutted past.

As the announcer began to call out the racers' names to summon them to the track, she opened her purse to look at a picture of her dear, departed goldfish (who had drunk herself to death not long after the Sith attack). "I'm going to win this for you, Goldie," she whispered, and kissed the photo for luck before slipping it back into her purse. "That'll show those Sith!"

Marisu's name was called at last, and she felt a surge of energy and confidence as she ran over to her swoop. Of course she was going to win! After all, she had her lucky charm bracelet and her lucky goldfish picture (not that she really needed them, as she _always_ won any competition she took part in, but it was nice to know they were there).

The minute the race started, Marisu knew she was going to win (as if there had ever been any doubt!) Her swoop swooped across the swoop track like a beautiful Raven swooping down from the sky (A/N: Hehe. 'Raven', geddit?), tearing around the course faster than anyone had ever seen before. The astonished onlookers heard a resounding boom as she broke the sound barrier, and another one as she broke the light barrier. There was a chorus of gasps as she smashed through a piece of debris and shot across the finish line, arriving back at the start very slightly earlier than she had set off.

The sound of cheering was deafening as Marisu climbed out of the swoop. The Vulkars had completely forgotten their own champion in the excitement of watching her race, and whooped with delight as she ran down the street towards them. "MA-RI-SU! MA-RI-SU!" they shrieked, rushing up and crowding around her in hopes of getting her autograph.

"We have a winner!" announced the announcer. "Marisu Arianna Raven Skywalker! With a time of 4.1 seconds." Another gang member whispered something to him, and he checked his scoresheet. "Sorry... make that 0.41 seconds."

But Brejik, the evil leader of the Vulkars, was scowling angrily. "She cheated!" he yelled. "I'm withdrawing our share of the victory prize!"

Everyone stared at him in shock. "You can't do that, Brejik!" shouted one of the Beks. "It goes against all our most sacred traditions!"

Brejik laughed scornfully. "You old fool! Your traditions are nothing to me. If I want to sell this woman on the slave market myself, no one can stop me!"

"I think _I_ might have something to say about that, Brejik," said an arrogant English voice. It was Bitchila! With a wave of her hand she sent the guards flying backwards and stepped out of the cage, an arrogant expression on her face.

Brejik looked horrified. "What?" he gasped. "Impossible! You were restrained by a neural disruptor collar!"

"You underestimate the strength of a Jedi's mind, Brejik," said Bitchila arrogantly. "A mistake you won't live to regret!"

"Vulkars, to me!" screeched Brejik. "Kill this woman! Kill the swoop racer! _Kill them all_!"

A tremendous fight broke out. Marisu threw herself into the fray, slaughtering Vulkars by the dozen, while Bitchila just stood to one side and occasionally poked at people with her lightsaber. When Marisu had finally killed everyone, thus wiping out pretty much the entire Vulkar population of Taris in one fell swoop, she noticed the Jedi hiding in a corner.

"Well?" she asked. "Aren't you going to thank me for rescuing you?"

Bitchila threw back her head and laughed. "Rescuing me?" she said scornfully. "You did nothing of the sort! _I_ rescued _you_, so there!"

"_What_?" Marisu was incensed. "Now just you listen here, Missy: I'm getting a bit tired of your attitude! If you don't start showing me some respect, I might just leave you here for the Sith to find!"

Bitchila immediately quietened down and nodded meekly, terrified at the thought of being left by herself in the Undercity. She remained that way for the entire journey back; unfortunately, the minute they walked through the door of the apartment, she was her usual bitchy self again. "Haven't you thought of a plan to get off the planet yet?" she demanded. "You idiots! What have you been doing all this time?"

"We were searching for you, remember, Bitchila?" said Carth angrily.

"That's 'Commander Shan' to you, Onasi!" snapped Bitchila, flinging a hand out imperiously (and knocking over a small table in the process). "_I'm_ the one in charge of this mission, so you all have to do exactly what I say! Now kneel down before me and kiss my foot, flunkies!"

Carth was too outraged to reply, but Marisu did it for him. "We most certainly will not!" she said furiously. "And who said you were in charge anyway? I'm Marisu Arianna Raven Skywalker, and I take orders from one person only: me!"

Bitchila's face turned bright red, and she stamped her foot angrily. "Waaaaaaaah! she howled. "_I _wanted to be the leader! You're all ruining my mission, and it's not _faaaaair_! Daddy, I want a golden goose!"

Marisu couldn't take any more of this. "How dare you talk to us like that, you ungrateful bitch!" she yelled, and slapped Bitchila hard across the face. (This was quite a challenge, given that she barely came up to the other woman's chest, but she managed it.) Bitchila went flying across the room, and landed on the floor in a tearful, cowering heap.

"_Oooooowww!_" she wailed, sniffling piteously (and naturally making no attempt to fight back in any way). "You _hit_ me!"

"Serves you right," smirked Carth, and everyone had a good laugh at Bitchila's expense.

"Well done, Marisu," said Carth at last, wiping his eyes. "Anyway, how do you suggest that we get off the planet?"

Marisu smiled a mysterious smile. "Well," she said conspiratorially, "I hear that Davik Kang, the head of the Exchange, has a ship fast enough to break the Sith blockade."

Carth stared at her in astonishment. "How do you know that?

"Oh, I have my contacts," she said airily. "Such as Davik's right-hand man, Canderous Ordo."

Mission gasped. "Canderous Ordo, the famous Mandalorian warrior?"

"Yup." Marisu smiled loftily. "We've been pals for years, regardless of the fact that this creates an enormous plot-hole which the author will never bother to explain." (A/N: It's AU, all right? _AU!_)

"Well, _I_ think it's too dangerous," said Bitchila, folding her arms and pouting. But no one cared what Bitchila thought, so they all left to find Canderous in the Lower City Cantina.

CarthCarthCarthCarthCarth

As they walked through the Lower City, the author suddenly remembered that Mission existed. "So, Bitchila," said the young girl chirpily, her eyes wide with innocuous innocence. "How about that Force, huh? Do you ever use it for fun?"

Bitchila's face went beetroot-red. "FUN?" she roared. "HOW DARE YOU ASK ME THAT QUESTION! BITCHILA SMAAAAASH!" And with that, she Force-smashed Mission straight into the nearest wall.

Everyone else was horrified. "Bitchila!" shouted Marisu. "How can you do that to poor little Mission? Pick on someone your own size, you big bully!" She ran over to comfort the sobbing Mission, shooting a furious glance at Bitchila, who merely tossed her head and stuck her nose in the air.

They set off again at last, Mission hiding behind Marisu whenever Bitchila came near her. Everyone was in a bad mood by the time they reached the cantina, but Marisu forgot to be annoyed when she saw a tall, hunky Mandalorian standing in a corner. "Yo, Canderous!" she yelled, shoving her way through the crowd. "Remember me, you old war criminal, you?"

Canderous spun round, and then his face lit up. "Well, if it ain't Marisu Arianna Raven Skywalker!" Much to Carth's annoyance, he lifted the tiny woman clean off the floor and swung her round so that her long raven-black hair streamed around her face. "How could I forget the woman who saved my life sp many times! So what are you doing here on Taris?"

"We were caught by the Sith blockade," said Marisu, switching effortlessly from Basic to utterly flawless Mandalorian. "Any chance you could get us off the planet, Candy?"

"Hmm." Canderous thought for a minute. "Well, if you could break into the Sith base and get us their launch codes, I might be able to find you a ship..."

"Sounds good to me," said Marisu. "What do you guys think?"

"Fine by me," said Carth with a shrug. Mission nodded eagerly, but Bitchila was determined to be contrary as usual. "It's a terrible plan," she said snottily, wrinkling her nose in disgust. "_I_ think we should – "

But no one else was interested in her opinion. "So that's settled then," said Marisu gaily, ignoring Bitchila's indignant squeaks. "Canderous, you're on! We'll be back with those codes in a few hours."

"See ya," said Canderous, with a grin and a wink at the scowling Bitchila. And so the party left to find the Sith codes which could be their ticket out of Taris.


End file.
